I have noticed many of you post over the last couple of months and I keep hearing a common theme about why is your sex addicted husband so immature? I thought it would be helpful to address this so you can process this much better. I have heard literally hundreds of women ask me to explain this same question, “I feel like I have another child“, “Why does he act like my teenagers with the anger, lying, minimizing…”? Well there is a reason but it doesn’t help him grow up.

When someone starts an addiction process (regardless of the addiction) they literally stop maturing emotionally, spiritually and morally. If a man starts sex addiction at fourteen his development stops right there. He will look at the problems or temptations he is facing much like a teenager. He will ask himself “Will I get caught?” “Will mommy (you) find my stash or behavior?” He wont reason like you do that…This behavior is wrong or that this would hurt people. I will hate myself if I do this. You did not have an active addiction so you look at decisions as an emotionally, morally and spiritual adult.

This lack of development will stay true even if he starts recovery but really is not doing the work. This would be true whether he is a sex addict or an intimacy anorexic. That’s the bad news and just like your teenager, there is no magic pill to make someone mature. It takes time.

The good news is however, if a man chooses to do the work (the 5C’s, including the groups, calls, workbooks, and therapy if needed) he can mature quicker for sure. If he is doing the dailies with you (two feelings, two praises and prayer) this can help his maturity to happen sooner. If he is stuck emotionally then doing the “Emotional Fitness” regimen can expedite emotional maturity. He absolutely will need to be in relationship with more mature men. Men make men! If you are feeling like you are powerless and no matter how many times he is not “getting” you nor knows how to handle a circumstance, have him call a man. I hopes this helps!

{Next Steps}

While researching this topic, if any questions come up, we are here to answer any questions. You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, drdougweiss.com, by phone at 719–278–3708 or through email at heart2heart@xc.org.


Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books including Partners:Healing from His Addiction, and Final Freedom.

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