While assisting men over the last fifteen years to become sexually successful, I have found that there are four major roadblocks that keep them from having true sexual success. Below I will detail these roadblocks to sexual success. If you believe that one of these roadblocks is keeping you from the best sex of your life, you can identify it now and move forward.
1. Sexual Addiction
By far this is the leading roadblock that keeps men from not having the best sex of their life. Someone who repeatedly has self-sex which involves fantasy and pornography splits his neuropathic reward in the brain between reality and no reality. This keeps him less satisfied with the sex that he is experiencing with his wife. This also conditions him to practice disconnected sex with his wife. Sexual addiction can be dealt with through support groups, accountability and sometimes therapy.
2. Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse occurs in approximately one out of every six men. A survivor of sexual abuse can react in many different ways. Some men react by acting out hyper sexually while for others, abuse fuels an addiction to alcohol, drugs, work, or food. Another reaction to sexual trauma can encourage the sense of not totally trusting others especially the trust felt in deep intimate relationships similar to one with your spouse. Still others can react by depression, raging or underachieving. Regardless of the symptoms, sexual abuse limits many men from becoming as sexually successful as they desire.
Some things that can help a man with a sexual abuse history is to talk about it. Most men have kept their sexual abuse a secret. If another man perpetrated them they feel uncomfortable about being the victim of another man. If their perpetrator was a woman, many convince themselves that they “got lucky.” In reality they were used as an object and felt discarded. After this man’s secret of sexual abuse is out in the open, this man will have to begin to treat the anger as well as the other symptoms that may have formed because of this past abuse in his life. You can recover from this! I have seen many fully reclaim their lives back as well as their sex life.
3. Sexual/Intimacy Anorexia
Sexual/Intimacy anorexia may be a new term for many. Someone who is sexually/intimacy anorexic actively withholds spiritually, emotionally, and sexually from his wife. He may be the man who won’t pray with his wife and won’t share his heart or feelings with her no matter what the pastor preaches and no matter what is said at the marriage conference he attends. This withholding toward his wife sabotages his intimacy with her and limits the sexual success he could presently be experiencing with his wife. If he has sex with his wife he is often disconnected during sex with her. The characteristics of sexual/intimacy anorexia are: 1) Staying so busy that you make no time just for you and your wife, 2) If problems or issues come up within your marital relationship you often blame your wife first before accepting any responsibility yourself, 3) The withholding of love for your wife is also a common thread that many sexual anorexics experience, 4) The spouse of a sexual/intimacy anorexic often withholds praise toward his wife, 5) Sexual/intimacy anorexics withhold sex from their spouse or withhold their heart during a sexual experience with her. 6) The anorexic is unwilling or unable to talk about his feelings towards his spouse, 7) He often has ongoing or unwarranted criticism of his spouse, 8) The anorexic uses anger or silence as a way to control his spouse within the marriage, 9) He is controlling or shaming of his wife financially.
If you have five or more of the characteristics listed above, you’re probably struggling with sexual/intimacy anorexia. This roadblock often needs professional help in order to deal with it successfully. I recommend getting some more information on it first and proceed from there. Sexual/intimacy anorexia can be reinforced if you also have an active sexual addiction. This is treatable but it is often hard work to treat it. I recommend anyone who sees this roadblock within them, to get it in remission so that they can have the best sex of their life.
4. Sexual Shame
Sexual shame can be a large factor in the diminishing of sexual success. Many of us grew up in the sexual revolution. You may have engaged in sexual sin with women. Many men also participated in manipulating their future wife into premarital sex, which was also sin. Often our sexual past can be riddled with things we are not proud of, nor have we told anyone about them.
Another area of sexual shame within men is sexual performance. Those who struggle with quick climaxes during intercourse often feel unsuccessful sexually. A final common area for sexual shame with men is related to the size of his sexual organ. Even though their wife has assured them repeatedly, they continue to carry this sexual shame.
The solution for sexual shame is talk, talk, talk. You will not heal without bringing these issues to light. You can talk to a professional, your doctor, or a trustworthy person but the first step to freedom from sexual shame is to talk.
As you can see there are different roadblocks for different men. I have found that regardless of the roadblock in your life, a significant step in making progress is the acknowledgement of where you are. Until you can be honest with yourself, your roadblock will stay in place.
You want to be sexually successful having the most 3-dimensional sex God has for you on a regular basis. I know most of us have received very little sexual information from our fathers or the churches. Regardless of this, you are still responsible for yourself now. If you have identified sexual addiction, sexual abuse, sexual anorexia, or sexual shame within your life, I encourage you to take the next step.
You deserve a complete sexual inheritance, even if there are a few giants in your land. Take the attitude of Caleb and Joshua, that you can have your land and with God’s help you can remove anything that keeps you less than being successful sexually.
Douglas Weiss, Ph.D.
Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO