A sexual agreement is when a couple intelligently and calmly discusses their sexual preferences for frequency and then distributes the responsibility between them for initiating fairly. In a sense, the husband and wife decides verbally and then writes down the way they want to structure their sexuality so that both are reasonably sexually happy.
Reasonably is a very important word. Life is about negotiation. This is especially true in a marriage. If a man is pestering his wife to have sex daily or if the wife wants sex only one time a month they are both being sexually selfish and unreasonable.
If you don’t agree on a sexual system, the chances are you will create one without really agreeing on it. Although unusual, some couples are fortunate that the system they created between them works because both people in the marriage are happy with their naturally evolved sexual system.
Creating a sexual agreement:
Sexual systems are an issue that many couples fight about for decades. As you walk through the process of creating a sexual agreement together I will ask you to do three things.
1. Be open minded to each other’s needs sexually.
2. Be honest about your sexuality.
3. If you can’t do this together, get professional help.
Agreements and management structures are used in almost every other area of your life. In money, you organize, manage and oversee the system of your finances. You also manage the raising of your children and their countless classes and scheduled activities. Your spiritual and emotional lives require many agreements and systems. Much of life is really about effective management for optimal results. This truth is also self evident as you walk toward creating a sexual agreement.
The first step toward creating a sexual agreement is the issue regarding the frequency of sex. Firstly, both of you will need to write on a piece of paper your own personal preferences for frequency. On an average this may be one, two or three or more times a week for couples up to the age of about fifty and then usually will lessen to about once a week. I say this as a reference point only because I am asked this question so often. This is now where the negotiating starts. This is your marital sexual system so you can be as creative as you wish. If he prefers two sexual experience each week and she wants to be sexual three times a week then on his week he can have his frequency and on her week she can choose hers.
Remember that this is your sexual agreement. I usually ask couples to stick to their agreements for a minimum of ninety days to see if the system is working for everybody. If the system needs changing at that point, discuss this in a public place (not your bedroom or in your house) so that it is in no way a manipulation or one trying to pressure their spouse into more or less sexuality than they agreed to that night.
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