Say these words aloud with me: “It’s not my fault.” Take these words in. Really take them in. Then, take the deepest sigh of relief you’ve ever taken. You are not in any way responsible for the fact that your spouse chose to be an intimacy anorexic.
For as long as you can remember, you have been desperately trying to please your anorexic spouse. You have bent yourself this way and that, trying to do the impossible: evoke love from someone who does not choose to give love. You have dieted, read self-help books, hemmed and hawed. But you have gotten nowhere. Well, it is time to stop your efforts and realize that you are amazing as you are.
Your spouse’s choice to withhold love is not a reflection of your worthiness; it is actually not about you at all, not about your height, your weight, your income, your housekeeping skills. If it was your fault then your efforts would have led you to be loved for more than just a couple weeks after a herculean effort or huge argument.
I understand the pain and experiences you have had as a spouse of an intimacy anorexic. I see, whether you are a man or a woman, you have been blamed, ignored, untouched and disconnected from for years or even decades. I understand that previous attempts at counseling have failed you and at times you have felt hopeless and even as if you’ve gone insane.
I realize for some of you have just been introduction to intimacy anorexia. For others, you have been healing for years from the wounds as the spouse of an intimacy anorexic. Either way, by seeing intimacy anorexia for what it is, you will start to be able to understand it. And by understanding what intimacy anorexia is, I hope you will come to agree with me that your spouse’s intimacy anorexia is not your fault. Some information in this chapter is from the book Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage (Discovery Press, 2010).
Next Steps
To learn more about Intimacy Anorexia or Married and Alone purchase the books by clicking the title. While you are reading these books, it if any time questions come up we are here to answer any questions. Feel free to email us at [email protected] or give us a call at 719.278.3708.
I have been married for 30 years. My husband is an alcoholic and addicted to porn. I have sought help for me through counseling, alanon, God and my church. I have read self help books and books about alcoholism. I have a lot of mental understanding about my husband’s addictions that have helped me to set boundaries and grow. I did spend years trying to be the pleasing wife doing what I thought God required of me in order to win my husband. Unfortunately it hasn’t happened. I finally realized I have been pursuing a relationship that will never happen as long as he stays an active user. He went to rehab twice and only stayed sober for a few months. The strange thing was he pulled away from me when he was sober. I was so happy because I saw the opportunity for relationship. Once he started drinking again he pursued me sexually. The problem with that was I’m very reluctant to engage sexually with him anymore because of the way it leaves me emotionally and mentally, not to mention his inability to perform normally because the effects of the alcohol on his body. I made the decision to put my focus on pursuing a deeper relationship with God and serving others. I still struggle with sadness and guilt at times. Sadness because I live with a husband I can’t connect with and guilty because I don’t want to engage in a physical relationship with him knowing he has needs.. When I mentioned something about considering his wife in a financial decision his comment was, “my what? My wife, who is that?” I have to keep reminding myself he doesn’t have a rational mind or the maturity to handle a deep relationship. Everyone who meets him likes him. I seem to be the only one who can’t. I’m committed to “til death do us part”, so I told him I need to move forward with my life and God. I feel torn inside.
After 43 yesrs of mental and emotional abuse, insults to my body…..God had me find my husband’s cell phone. His sex adiction he has had all his life and the sexual encounters, online porn and chats, masturbation, oogling, flirting, and more, poured out over 9 months. What a life I’ve had with him. He repented, accepted Jesus as Savior, has been doing the hard work and Bible study for almost 2 years, but can’t be near young women, he has to run. We can’t go anywhere together, it’s to much for me to watch him turn white, become anxious,. He says he prays to not oogle the young women, and tells me I’m the issue when we are out, he doesn’t want a confrontation with me. I’m done with all this. I’m 60 years old and want to go do fun things he just can’t do. He has lived in his fantasy world in his mind all his life and abused me worse as the years went by. I’m so angry, I go to God for strength and healing and how to live what years I have left in peace from this insanity. My grown daughter also revealed she struggled with S.A., and our son married a IA and is going through a divorce. This has been devastating and I keep trusting God knowing nothing happens without Him allowing pain. Its sad to say, but I no longer have love or compassion for husband. I tried all our marriage to help him as he struggled with anxiety, panic and depression. I never knew the secret life he lived.
He may want to watch the “Clean” DVD/book and “Lust Free Living” DVD/book.
how can IA partners ever fall in love if they aren’t capable of it? After him being sober from sex addiction I thought things would fall into place and intimacy didn’t get better so we realized he also had IA, which is so hard!
That is a great question Raquel. IA partners still have feelings and emotions just like you do. They just choose to control those emotions and how they love other people in their relationships. It is common for sex addicts to also have other addictions like intimacy anorexia as well. These issues are “comorbidity” complications meaning they involve more than one condition or addiction. Our intimacy anorexia books and materials can help work through IA issues, so please check those out!
If someone is struggling with multiple addictions, it may be good to seek professional counseling help. Many addicts have a “back up” secondary addiction they use to support their reality whether it is food, porn, spending habits, video games, fantasy, etc. So it can be a real struggle if someone is trying to heal on their own or if you are trying to help them recover. Feel free to call our office at 719-278-3708 if you have any questions.
Even though my husband chooses his addiction over a relationship with God and myself. I can at least say it’s not my fault, thank you the blessings your pouring out into so many lives.