We have three dimensions – body, soul, and spirit. Intimate sex is the highest experience for all three dimensions of the human being. Sex is physically the highest expression of functioning within our bodies combined with some of the highest concentrations of endorphins and enkephalins (aka feel-good brain chemicals) that your body can produce. Talk about a rush!
Sex is also the metaphysical intertwining of souls. Intimate sex is the sacred place where the souls of the people experiencing those feel-good chemicals are taken to the greatest heights of nurturing, love, acceptance. This experience falls within the context being safe with their lover and mate. Finally, sex is a place of spiritual communion. The spirit knows no other relationship so deep to be so vulnerable yet so safety loved.
Sex allows a man and woman to experience more of themselves and more of their partner than any other act in the human experience. Sexual intimacy makes sex better.
Intimacy and Sex in Our Culture
Yet, intimacy and sex are so separated in our culture. Sitcoms, soap operas, and movies display sex as an act often devoid of any deep level of intimacy. Often those having sex in the media are single, beautiful people and those who are cheating on their spouses or committed relationships. This is so contrary to the truth. Practically every sex study done in our history shows that sex is crucial in relationships and the people having the most sex are those who are married or in committed relationships.
This is not only true of the frequency of sex but also of the quality of sex. These studies also repeatedly demonstrate the absolute highest quality of sex is because of the couple’s commitment to each other. Commitment builds intimacy. Intimacy creates better sex.
The bottom line is that couples who are married or in committed relationships are having great sex! This is because they are experiencing the intimate sexual factor.
The “Do What You Feel Like” Mentality
So, why do we not hear more about our intimate needs with sexuality? Why is it not permitted, preached, and taught in every available corner of our society?
I believe the reason is our culture has yet to redeem itself of the “if it feels good do it” and “love the one you’re with” mentalities. These concepts fail to acknowledge the intimacy factor of sexuality is because it’s not the easiest way for people to express their sexuality. Developing intimacy takes hard work!
Wanting Results Without the Work
Let’s face it. We like things fast, easy, and convenient. This could be because of our overstimulation, short attention spans, or lack of patience. If it’s not immediate in our culture, it is often not desired. We want perfect marriages, relationships, and sexual experiences without putting in the work to create the intimacy that makes them perfect.
The Wealth Paradigm
I think a paradigm we can relate to our wanting great sex is the concept of wealth in our culture. Many of us think of winning the lottery or becoming a millionaire on some TV show as a way of becoming wealthy.
This is not the way most people become or stay wealthy in our world. Wealth often comes to those who work long hours, take risks, and acquire and maintain wealth over decades. Wealth is built from the ground up.
Wealthy people often have to practice great habits early in life by either going to school, investing in themselves and their talents, or by creating or growing a business of some kind. These habits help to define their purpose and success later in life.
The Health Paradigm
Staying healthy is another sought after goal. Everybody wants to be in shape and look good. In their quest slim down, some people look for the easy road to travel. They run after things which will take them to their goal through the latest fad diet, calorie burning gadgets, or “magic” weight-loss pills.
What nobody told them is the cover models showcasing those products probably never even used them at all to look the way they do. Instead, those fitness models have spent decades in the gym putting in the hard work to get and maintain their gains along with maintaining a matching lifestyle and diet.
The fanciful idea of being healthy and fit with a tight tummy and slim waist like you see in the magazines becomes a silly notion once you realize the underlying factors, but quick health fixes are a multimillion-dollar business industry. Why is this such a large industry? We like to think things are fast and easy in our culture.
In truth, those who are in shape and have those abs often work very hard at being in shape. They always watch what they eat and when they eat. They workout at the home or the gym or both multiple times a week and do cardio or stair climbs for hours on end.
As people age they work harder to look in shape, younger, and healthier not less. The basic truth remains the same regardless if you want to be healthy or wealthy.
Successful people discipline themselves and invest their time, energy, and money to make it happen. The results others see is what they have worked very hard for. It is the same with sex. Those who take the low road to sex and look for quick and easy fixes will not have the greatest sex life.
Creating Intimacy That Makes Sex Better
You can create intimacy that makes your sex and overall sex life better. There is a high road and a low road when it comes to your sex life and sexual intimacy.
The Low Road of Sex
I have counseled people who have taken the low road of self-absorbed me-focused sex for almost three decades in my private practice in Colorado Springs, CO.
I have spent years with people who have sexually pleased themselves in a variety of ways from excessive self sex, affairs, prostitutes, one-night stands, orgies, endless heterosexual or homosexual encounters with total disregard for their soul or spiritual self.
Guess what happens after all of those self-pleasuring things? All of those things leave them empty. This low road to sexuality leads nowhere. These people suffer from depression, addiction, guilt, and shame like you could never believe. Those that have violated the sexual relationship with their behavior are not happy people and do not feel good about themselves.
I’ve never heard one of these people say they would take this low road and do it over again knowing the end results in their soul, spirit, and relationship with ones they love. The low road to sexuality is void of the intimacy.
The High Road of Sex
The high road of sex is where sexual intimacy lives. It is also where commitment, trust, and loyalty live. The sex on this road is less self-focused and focused more on your partner or spouse. This is where the sexual experience meets those three dimensions of the human being we talked about earlier. High road sex is focused on you being with them physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
This sex empowers you physically with those feel-good brain chemicals to emotionally bond to your partner or spouse. This sex frees your soul, pierces the veil that surrounds the deeper truths of life, and allows you to see your partner’s soul for who they truly are.
This sex allows your spirit to be vulnerable yet completely secure and loved beyond all boundaries imaginable. When this happens, sex takes on a whole new level and meaning. It ceases to be a series of actions that makes you feel good. It becomes something else… something outside of yourself. Intimate sex is truly amazing and one of the best experiences in life when you learn it’s secrets.
Changing from the Low to High Sex Road
It is possible to change from the low self-centered sex road to the high road of intimate sex. How do I know this? I have helped many couples do exactly that and seen their relationships change dramatically.
So many of the couples I have worked with have moved their sex lives from the low road to having a more intimate sex life. I work together with them to create changes in all of their relationships – with themselves and their partner, how they love, and their mindsets.
Practicing creating intimacy as a principle will change your sex life. Once you experience the intimate sex, you will never want to have sex in old ways again.
Working Through It
When I show people how to practice intentional intimacy and use those principles for the first time, they usually say “I know what you mean now” and “I wish we could have been doing sex this way the whole time in our relationship.” The intimacy factor takes work. It takes more work than others for some. We often have to break old patterns of behaviors and change our thinking about sexuality.
Thoughts like “it’s all about me and my experience” have to be changed to thoughts like “it’s all about us connecting and mutual sexuality.” The work for some is recovering from road blocks and trauma from the past so they can experience the intimacy factor of sexuality.
For others, the work is just working on relationship skills or being more focused on being consistently intimate. This lets them experience the intimacy factor of sex not just accidentally but intentionally and constantly.
I challenge you and your partner to grow deeper and closer to each other. As Confucius says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” The first step to better sex is knowing about intimacy. The next step is taking the time to create intimacy. If you want to change your sex life, practice intimacy.
About Dr. Doug
Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. is the author of the Upgrade Your Sex Life. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs and also the president of the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy