The place where we exist is an amazing thing. Your spouse is another wonderful creation existing in this space. I believe it is our privilege and calling to, over the course of our entire lives, get to know and learn about the unique creature our spouses are, as they evolve throughout our servant marriage. It is your job to maintain and care for your spouse’s unique spirit.

His or her mind, will, and emotions will be under your care and influence for decades. How to care for your spouse physically is also important. Like any human being his or her body will need regular positive feedings and nurturing to be optimal. We must learn to serve our spouses. I have broken this down into several areas: spirit, soul, feelings, gifts, body, and sex.


You and your spouse, like all of us, are spirit beings and our spirits best operate when they are fed and nourished. Spiritual time together is a way for the servant to honor his or her spouse. Some couples do worship together, perhaps by using a worship CD. Some couples read devotions together. Being consistent in spiritual time together is vital to your marriage. It is important to remember that marriage is a three-person entity, and if you do not serve God well, you will be more likely to not serve your spouse well either.


The soul of your spouse has been given to you to serve, bless, and support. You are to be part of its healing and growth, standing by them as they take risks and watching them discover their own amazingness. The soul is one’s mind, will, and emotions. Understanding how and why your spouse thinks is a lifelong journey of listening and understanding them. The will is simply the ability or choice to persist in a matter.

It is important to have truth and facts that drive the will; however, the mind and emotions play a part as well. As a servant to your spouse, you want to do your best to know who is driving the will before you engage the will. Support your spouse in his or her endeavors. Your encouragement and praise of them as their spouse can help them believe in themselves. Understanding is key.


Emotions are an interesting part of our humanity. Though they are a significant part of what makes us human, in our culture, there is no place for us to genuinely get trained to identify and communicate feelings with our spouses. It can be a sensitive topic, and it is important that we do not become spiritually abusive or unkind, even if it is with the best intentions. I recommend a feelings exercise, where you and your spouse discuss two feelings a day—a present feeling and one from the past. Be sure to maintain eye contact and do not give each other feedback when sharing your feelings during the exercise. As you complete this exercise, you can experience significant growth in your ability to communicate on an emotional level, and can serve one another in a deeper place.


Your spouse is a gift, as well as your children, and every one of them has little gifts inside them that are important to take note of. As servants toward our spouses, we should be excited to support their gifts. Just as you invest time and money into your children’s needs and activities, you want to be aware of your spouse’s talents and encourage them to experiment in life with various interests to discover latent talents. Supporting each other’s desires is an opportunity to see each other grow.


We are spirit beings with amazing souls, and equally amazing bodies, but these bodies need maintenance. If you are not eating somewhat healthily and exercising moderately, you might be carrying more stress in your body, which can negatively affect your attitude. When we exercise and eat healthy, our body and brain can feel a whole lot better and we de-stress, making us better for our marriage. The healthier you are the better lover, friend, or parent you will be.


Sexuality between a husband and wife can be one of the most beautiful, pleasurable experiences in the marriage. The sacredness of sex is awesome, and we are privileged to learn and get to know our spouse sexually. Sometimes there are roadblocks in this area, and it is your duty as a sexual servant to heal this area of your being. I was conceived in adultery, abandoned, sexually abused, addicted to porn and sexual behaviors, and I took full responsibility for recovering from all of it. Healing is hard work but possible, and once the way is cleared you can develop a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse.

The servant marriage is a lifelong journey with your spouse. It is your calling to serve them, grow towards them, understand them, and behold God in every phase of marriage. There are many areas to serve and it may take some time to master each one, but the results will be a happier and flourishing relationship in the servant marriage.

Excerpt taken from: Servant Marriage

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