I’ll never forget football practice. The coach would have us do leg stretches until we complained. Then we did the abdominal crunches, the lunges and the endless running around the football field. Then he came up with any additional number of drills to continue to get us “in shape” to play the game.

This practicing and drilling to get results is true in so many other areas of our life as well. We have to do this or that to get the results we really want. Well, this is also true of sex. Maybe your thinking, “You must be kidding me, right!” For sex, I thought you just showed up and whala, it happened. It’s true you could do that with various degrees of success or you could train to have the most incredible, memorable sex of your life.

All right, now that I have your attention; I want to talk about being sexually fit. Already your mind might be going to think I am going to talk about some secret stretches to get you ready for the big event.

That is not what I have in mind at all. Sex isn’t just two bodies connecting rather it is two married people on a spiritual, emotional and biological journey for a lifetime. So let’s talk about some of the do’s and don’ts for your sexual fitness.

Do look at sex as a whole being experience. For you to have great sex you’re going to have to do some things outside of the bedroom to make the bedroom amazing. Firstly, you are going to be encouraging and thoughtful in your communication to your spouse regularly. That means you have to get really good at praising your spouse throughout the day.

Secondly, and you men are going to love this one, you have to share your feelings. Women are aroused by emotional proximity not physical proximity. You have to get good at identifying and sharing your feelings. You can email us for the feelings exercise but if you are not good at emotional connecting you will have lower quality sex and less sex and you can’t blame your wife because she needs this emotional connection to fuel desire toward you.

Thirdly, but most importantly you have to pray together. If you are not praying with your spouse your sex will be dramatically impacted. If you’re not connected spiritually outside the bedroom you limit your ability to enter into really great sex. Remember, sex is spirit, soul and body not just body sex.

A final do in your sexual fitness may seem awkward at first for some of you but try it anyway. The next time you are being sexual with your spouse look each other in the eyes. That’s right while being sexual; maintain eye contact, even during orgasm. You will be making love to the spirit and soul of your spouse. You will see into them and they will see into you in this very powerful part of your relationship.

Also say positive words to each other during sex. I know I talked about doing this outside the bedroom but now bring it into the bedroom. While looking in your spouse’s eyes, communicate your love, respect and delight of him or her that you are experiencing. Eyes open and communication during sex can radically change your sexual encounters.

These three proactive behaviors are your sexual calisthenics so you can have great sex. Now part of training for sex also includes some don’ts as well as some dos.

Don’t compare (in your mind) your spouse to any other person you have possibly had sex with in the past. Your spouse is your only legitimate “sexual garden.” If you wandered into other gardens in the past then that is your consequence and don’t make your spouse suffer for your adventures. Also break off any ties or connections to any previous lovers you have had in the past.

Secondly, while having sex, do not fantasize about others. Keep your eyes and mind on your spouse. Talking during sex in a nurturing tone can definitely help you stay focused on your spouse.

Thirdly, don’t participate in self sexual behaviors. Your spouse deserves 100% of your sexuality. If you do this you could be led into traps of fantasy or pornography that can lead you away from your marriage instead of bonding you to your spouse. This also creates a place for you to start having secrets. Secrets are an arch enemy of a great sex life.

Since great sex has to do with honesty, vulnerability, and connecting secrecy will affect all of this. Your lack of being honest and authentic will sabotage the intimacy and enjoyment of your sexuality.

Fourthly, deal with anger appropriately. Don’t let anger continue between the two of you. When you’re angry, you definitely can build up walls that can impact your sexual relationship.

Lastly, deal with any unforgiveness. If you have unforgiveness in your heart toward your spouse you will cripple your ability to be a lover to them. You will find yourself pulling away instead of pursuing your spouse.

Now you’re probably thinking what does all this have to do with anything? That’s the same thing I thought as the coach had us stretch, run, crunch and do drills. However, when you were in the game and you were faster, more limber and had fewer injuries you were grateful for the work outs that were getting you in shape for the game.

Now that you’re going to have sex, you can be more in agreement about what is and isn’t acceptable as well as creating an agreement that works for the two of you. So many couples argue about their sex life for years and years.

To create an agreement for your own sexual garden is quite simple. Sit down with your spouse and walk through what behaviors are acceptable to each of you. If you’re both in agreement without bullying one another you can articulate your particular garden so you both know what the boundaries are for both of you. If there is a behavior that one spouse wants and the other doesn’t then it shouldn’t be in your garden.

Secondly, you can create a sexual agreement. You’re going to have sex many times over within your marriage so getting in agreement with what will or will not happen is a great idea. Establish a frequency that works for you both and communicate in a way that both of you share the initiating of sex so that the sexual initiation is equal. You know your life schedule so make sure that sex is consistent and agreed upon.

In my counseling practice, I have counseled many couples who have increase their sexual fitness and have a much more satisfying sex life. You and your spouse deserve to get and stay sexually fit your entire life.

Next Steps

If any time questions come up, we are here to answer them. Feel free to email us at heart2heart@xc.org or give us a call at 719.278.3708.

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