I believe that God wants every Christian man to be sexually successful. He desires all of us to enter into the holy of holies where spirit, soul, and body intimacy occurs with your wife on a regular basis. He desires each one of us to have the skills to be spiritually and emotionally intimate outside of the bedroom so that we can be sexually successful inside of the bedroom.
Are you wondering what a sexually successful man is and how you can become one?
Let me be perfectly clear, of all Gods great ideas, I think sex is by far one of the best. Don’t you agree? I imagine the creator could have made procreation a behavior that brought little pleasure and only engaged our bodies completely detached from the wealth of a soul and spirit experience. What a bummer sex could have been.
Thankfully our maker decided to be very creative during this process. Not only is sex a time when your body goes though the most physiological changes, but also when engaging successfully in sex you can get the highest chemical reward for your body.
As a therapist, I have counseled with thousands of men regarding sexuality issues. During this time, I have learned that many men are not sexually successful. I have clocked in probably years of my life listening to men as they share varied stories of lack of sexual success. These men and their wives want to be sexually successful but even after several decades of marriage, they have not achieved sexual success.
Why haven’t many men reached sexual success? Although it’s different for every man, there are some broad sexual deficits that many men have. Firstly, from the start many have never been given reliable information about true sexuality from their fathers. While traveling the country speaking at men’s conferences, I often ask men how long was their sex talk with their fathers. Well over 95% of the men questioned stated that it was under 3 minutes. So you can see how this lack of information from a sexual expert, your dad, can lead you on your own quest for what successful sexuality really is.
The second largest deficit perpetuating the lack of sexual success is the source by which young men acquire their sexual information. Their resources for sexual information at ages 14 through 16 are usually other 14 to 16 year old boys who never had sex but lie about it as well. Pornographic literature, the mainstream media, prime-time sitcoms, movies, magazines and now the Internet are sadly the primary teachers of sexuality for many young men today.
Regardless of this deficit of information in your past, you can have a phenomenal three-dimensional sex life that will reach a plane of sexual satisfaction that you never thought was possible. Like others, early on I had been misinformed and had experiences that could have kept me from sexual success but I kept searching until I found the information it took to get and stay sexually successful!
The journey to become clean is a process. Ahead of you is a journey where the equipping, informing and for many, healing will take place. The result is a sexually successful man who can be fearless in prayer, a threat to the enemy, and a blessing to his wife, family, church and community.
For those of you willing to embark on this journey, I applaud you. It takes great courage for you to first admit there is a problem and then to commit to doing something about it. You won’t regret it. God will honor your hard work. After all, isn’t that what Jesus did for us? He chose to face the difficulty of the cross so that we could be with him forever. He laid down his life. Will you now lay down your life for him?
When I climb the various mountainous areas in Colorado where I live, I am always grateful when I arrive at the view. Before we get to the view we often have driven an hour or more and climbed another two hours to get to the beautiful mountainous trail that our friends have introduced us to and have now been to countless times.
When we finally arrive at the top, the view is absolutely spectacular. You can see for miles and you feel as if you can touch the clouds and yet there is the feeling that nature is surrounding even the souls of your feet. Even the men at the top of the mountain are oohing and aahing at how beautiful the view is at the top. It’s during these moments you totally forget about the climb, the bruises, sweating, and being hungry and thirsty. You’re just in awe of the view.
Being sexually successful is something like enjoying this view. The intensity of your sexual life is so heightened, the intimacy so close, and the afterglow so satisfying that you feel as if you have touched something extraordinary. You may have begun to experience the view of becoming sexually successful. Just as others who have climbed before you, now you have experienced it and you can ooh and aah too! You now can look at your wife with gratefulness and warmth.
Let’s not forget that this was a climb. Others of you had to climb through the entire process. You may have had to retrain your dual or multi-focused brain. Possibly you took the healing path to deal with some of the sexual distraction from past abuse, addictions or anorexia. Oh, and don’t forget the valley through the issues of masturbation. Some may have needed to camp for a while through that area. Soon after came the climb to learn more about your wife, playing and learning the game of intimacy so that you can both can win.
The jaunt through the emotionally based relationship and the rocky portion through the areas of childhood, adolescence or adulthood may have been a difficult terrain. But you persisted through it. You used your will, mind and emotions, and you overcame the particular hills you needed to climb.
When you see this view that absolutely takes your breath away, that you want to share it with other people at your first opportunity. I too have shared this journey, I began at the bottom of the climb just like many of you.
I had a multi-focused brain, sexual trauma, and addiction in my past to handicap my climb. But like you, as a man I didn’t make excuses. Instead I made a plan. Many other men that I have counseled with over the years also have experienced this same path toward our climb.
Following this similar path makes it easier but you will still have to work like the others who have enjoyed the view. You too can have every bit of the sexual success that you are willing to climb for.
I wish you the absolute best upon your journey toward sexual success. The day that you feel fulfilled in your sexuality with the woman you love, you’ll know what the old timers meant when they said, “There’s gold in them there hills.”
Go For The Gold!
Doug Weiss, Ph.D.,is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director ofHeart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books including, Clean. You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, drdougweiss.com or on his Facebook, by phone at 719-278-3708 or through email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Afterglow, foreplay, intimacy during sex, must be nice, I think, but I wouldn’t know, I’ve only been married 16.5 years and there hasn’t been time for any of that yet, and now we are mid-divorce. I haven’t had sex in about 2 years, but my wife says I’m a sex addict, and consequently a danger to my kids, because I would like it more frequently than that. If I could ever get my Intimacy Anorexic wife to go to an intensive, I sure would. But hey I’m the problem because everything is my fault, and there is no such thing as Intimacy Anorexia, everybody keeps telling me. Apparently the world was perfect, until I was born and ruined everything. Do you have any research to reference when people keep telling me that there is no “evidence” for Intimacy Anorexia. I mean besides the hell my life has become that in every possible way fits with being married to what I believe to be a 3rd generation Intimacy Anorexic. Every insane Intimacy Anorexic behavior seems absolutely normal to my wife, it is exactly how she was raised. In fact she thinks she is being a great wife, because her mom is worse. Apparently her schizoid father is willing to put up with more than I am. I wish Jesus would return already! I’m sick of all the evil. The churches are so full of Feminism/goddess worship, that as a man with a marriage problem, I cant drive within a block of one without them trying to hurl blame at me. Fortunately they don’t know the Bible, and they plug their ears and run away when I start sharing the truth of the Father’s Patriarchy, I’ve learned about, with them.